I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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