I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
