Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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