There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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