Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
