Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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