if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
