Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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