I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
it hurts more in the daytime
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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