I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
