That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
