my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
