Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im six kinds of drunk right now
The police scanner is talking about you again....
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
