i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
