i just wanna soil my oats bro
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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