You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
