He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
