Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
