New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
