Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
