he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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