You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
