your thong is hanging out like whoa
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
