I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
