Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
