So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
