I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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