Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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