I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
