Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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