Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
