Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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