first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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