You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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