I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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