its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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