i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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