No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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