the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
