I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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