We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
