you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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