with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
