the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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