Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
