As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
