The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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