I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
