there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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