Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
farters have to be the big spoon...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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