the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
