god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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