my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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