Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
